You Call That a Book Launch?

This is how I imagine my book launch would play out if I lived in North Korea:

ME: Is he watching?
MY WIFE: Is who watching?
ME: Glorious Leader.  Is he looking away?
MY WIFE: Well … he appears to be looking the other way, but Glorious Leader sees and knows all, so I guess you’re screwed on that.
ME: Shit.  Okay, okay, let me think.  Okay, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to do it anyway.  I’m going to press the button.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?
MY WIFE: You could be executed for dissidence, I suppose.
ME: Oh, thanks for the support.
MY WIFE: You asked for the worst.  Hey, maybe they’ll just imprison you for life.
ME: Okay, I’m going to say something now which might shock you.  I don’t believe Glorious Leader is omniscient.
MY WIFE: (gasps)
ME: I mean it, I don’t think he knows everything.  Yesterday I kicked my toe on the dining table —
MY WIFE: You mean the wooden crate?
ME: Yes, the dining crate.  So I kicked my toe and I said, Glorious fucking Leader.
MY WIFE: (gasps)
ME: I know, right?  So I said that, and here I am, still walking around, free.
MY WIFE: Perhaps Glorious Leader is also merciful.
ME: No, he’s a cock.
MY WIFE: (nods)
ME: There, I’ve done it.  I pressed the button.
MY WIFE: Well done dear.  And what has that done?
ME: It has published my novel as an e-book on Amazon, that’s what!
MY WIFE: What’s Amazon?
ME: You know, the global online retailer?  Biggest bookseller in the world?
MY WIFE: Biggest bookseller in the world except in North Korea, where only Glorious Leader has true access to the internet?  You mean that Amazon?  Honestly, I have no idea where your book has gone.
ME: So what, now it’s lost, floating around somewhere in our disconnected national intranet?
MY WIFE: Unless the Secret Police set up a fake Amazon site to trap stupid dissidents.
ME: Oh, you are just a bottomless well of support, aren’t you?  You’re a pillar of strength, supporting me in my darkest hour.
MY WIFE: Don’t mix your metaphors dear.  Look, maybe Glorious Leader is secretly interested in the creative output of the collective.  Maybe he wants to read your novel.
ME: Nah, he’d never read my book.
MY WIFE: Now who’s being negative?  Why wouldn’t he?
ME: It has vampires in it.  Glorious Leader hates vampires.

That’s roughly how it went down, with two key differences: there are no vampires in my new novel, and my wife wasn’t even in the country when I hit the button.  Upload book … press “publish” … now, shhhh.

Advertisements